Card Brand: Edward Monkton

CONGRATULATIONS You may now wear the Giant Hat of Cleverness!

THIS CARD IS FREE WHEN YOU SPEND £25 ON ANY OF OUR EDWARD MONKTON CARDS!

YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE THE LARGE WONDERFUL GIRL CARD FREE AS WELL.

This is a picture of the Wonderful Girl. She is beautiful and strong and soft all at the same time. Everyone who meets her loves her and she spreads happiness wherever she goes.
She is not even frightened of spiders

THIS CARD IS FREE WHEN YOU SPEND JUST £15 ON ANY OF OUR EDWARD MONKTON CARDS.

The FIERCE DINOSAUR was TRAPPED inside his cage of ice until the LOVELY OTHER DINOSAUR came and melted it with KIND thoughts and LOVING words.
Now they STAND TOGETHER on the hill, telling each other stories and feeling the WARMTH of the sun on their backs.
THE END

A Special Announcement
Due to the recent global turmoil, it has now been decided that the world will be governed solely by the principles of loveliness.
Congratulations! That definitely puts you in the cabinet (see your new office door above).

A THOUGHT FOR GIRLS
Sometimes a person needs support, courage, love, hope, understanding and an answer to the bigger questions of life.
And somtimes the biggest question is "Where can I find a truly unbelievable chocolate fudge brownie?"

A Treat for Someone Special
With monkeys, the very best treat you can give someone is a damned good backscratch. A mind-blowing, spine-tingling, ooh just there...yes, YES! Kind of backscratch.
So let's pretend we're monkeys!
Here are my fingers...here are my FINGERS!! "scratch sratch scratch"

Dear Man, I know that "men" can get a bit anxious about DIRECT EMOTIONAL CONTACT and "SENTIMENTAL" messages so i'll just say "Man, um...quite NICE...ahem, yes. Here's a card for you...or something.
Happy whatever. OK. Bye".

"Anything is Possible", she believed, so she grew WINGS and flew like an ANGEL to the STARS.*
*She didn't know that the back of her dress was tucked into he knickers, though, but,hey, you can't have it ALL!

ARE YOU NORMAL?
NO!

So close are they that they will do ANYTHING for one another.
Well, anything except for THAT.

BREAKFAST My marmalade's called Nigel And my toast is called Elaine
I bet my butter wishes it had a proper name.

A Christmas Wish
May each twinkling light be a HOPE of yours for the FUTURE. And for each one that blows may there be a BRIGHTER and more BEAUTIFUL bulb in the glorious trouser pocket of FORTUNE.

Sausage of Peace
May the SAUSAGE of PEACE forever be dipped in the KETCHUP of HAPPINESS

The Beautiful Christmas Angel
Such is the RADIANCE of her BEAUTY that she hides behind the giant potato for fear of dazzling the mortals

The Christmas Cake of Life
May you always find the ICING on the Christmas Cake of LIFE

The Happy Snowman
May the HAPPINESS of the Happy Snowman never melt in the WARM and LOVELY garden of your HEART.

A Christmas Wish
May each twinkling light be a HOPE of yours for the FUTURE. And for each one that blows may there be a BRIGHTER and more BEAUTIFUL bulb in the glorious trouser pocket of FORTUNE.

Christmas Happiness
Directions For Use - Apply liberally to face and body for everlasting JOY.

Iain the Brussels Sprout
His TASTE may be BITTER but his NOURISHMENT is SWEET.
Lesson to Learn
As with Iain - so with LIFE.

Merry Christmas
At Christmas let us praise the television for all the worldly joy it brings mankind

The Christmas Cake of Life
May You always find the icing on the Christmas Cake of Life

The Christmas Loveliness
Nobody knew what it was or where it had come from but such was its power that it leaked and seeped from person to person until the whole world was infected by its beauty

CONGRATULATIONS
You may now wear the GIANT HAT of CLEVERNESS!

Dad, if they named ice cream flavours after what people are like, yours would probably be called the "stop worrying about stuff and just accept that you're brilliant - brilliant at being a Dad"
But they don't so, um, I'm not really sure where this is going...um...
Happy Father's Day anyway, brilliant Dad.

Happy Father's Day
May your day be as good as that feeling you get when you go back to work on a Monday morning after a long weekend's "daddying".
Come on, I see your face on a Monday...it's OK!
Happy Father's Day to a great dad.

RESPECT to you, Dad - HEAD of the Table, KING of the Toilet and LORD HIGH COMMANDER of the Remote Control.
NOTE
I hope you know just how incredibly LOVELY that makes you.

Happy Father's Day*
*DAD Respect to you on Father's Day - head of the table, king of the toilet and lord high commander of the remote control.

THE WONDERFUL DAD was strong. The Wonderful dad was handsome. The Wonderful Dad took you in his arms and made you FEEL exactly how you always wanted to feel.
That is why they called him the Wonderful Dad.

..but not so different that you become a menace to society and they have to take you off to the head hospital and conduct experiments on your brain.
That would just be too different, OK?

Follow Your Heart
For your heart will always know the answer. But if it tells you to strangle kittens or something then don't follow it anymore. I mean, it's only a heart right? It's not the Dalai Lama.

FEEL the Healing HAPPY VIBES from the hands of the Heavenly Hippy.

Arm in are they stand on the SAUSAGE of LOVE looking out together at the KETCHUP of their DREAMS

May each year be a feather on the glorious Chicken of life as it soars UNTAMED and BEAUTIFUL towards the golden sun

May the warm SUN of FORTUNE shine its glorious rays upon your marvellous HEAD

When the world seems DARK and full of SORROW, when my feet are DRAGGING on the ground, I simply look at all my GORGEOUS HANDBAGS and suddenly, TRUE HAPPINESS is found!

I don't want to be a HAIR
I want to be a DRAGON!
SHUT UP!!!
OK I'll be a hair

The BISCUIT will only dare to be a BISCUIT when it is with his true friend the POTATO.

Wee are only on this Earth for a Short Time, so let us live WISELY, let us live WELL... and let us eat CHOCOLATE. MUCH MUCH CHOCOLATE!!

In PRAISE of UNDERPANTS Behold the humble underpants - most MODEST of creations.
But, oh, what mighty POWERS and SECRETS they conceal!!

NEW BABY
And the glory of the baby made them drunk with LOVE and HAPPINESS for seldom had they felt before such Joy

CONGRATULATIONS You may now wear the Giant Hat of Cleverness!

THIS CARD IS FREE WHEN YOU SPEND £25 ON ANY OF OUR EDWARD MONKTON CARDS!

We will send it automatically so need to add to basket if you have spent over £25 on EM cards.. YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE THE LARGE WONDERFUL GIRL CARD FREE AS WELL.

INTERESTING THEORY
The snail is happy in his home even though he has neither TV nor dishwasher.
The human will therefore be even more happy than the snail.
(End of interesting theory)

This is a picture of the Wonderful Girl.
She is beautiful and strong and soft all at the same time.
Everyone who meets her loves her and she spreads happiness wherever she goes.
She is not even frightened of spiders

The wonderful man was STRONG.
The Wonderful man was handsome.
The Wonderful Man took you in his arms and made you FEEL exactly how you always wanted to feel.
That is why they called him the Wonderful Man.

Where are we going?
I don't know. I though you knew.
No, I don't know. Maybe he knows.
No. He definitely doesn't know. PAUSE. Maybe no-one knows. PAUSE.
Oh well. I hope it's nice when we get there.

I am a lovely lesbian sitting in a tree.
Would you like to come on up and have a cup of tea?

Let us be lovely. And let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damnit how HAPPY we'll be!

Life

LITTLE BAGS OF MAGIC
The little bags of magic say there is nothing that they cannot do.

Except for that one about being EATEN by as giant SPIDER

He stands for LOVE He stands for HAPPINESS
He stands for TRUTH
He stands for BEAUTY
Let us, like LOVE MONKEY, stand for what we HOLD most DEAR

CHOCOLATE: You want me mum don't you?
You want me! You want me!
MUM: No chocolate. I do not want you for after the initial pleasure there is SICKNESS and there is GUILT
CHOCOLATE: That mum is the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE.
Are you to deny me the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE?
MUM: No chocolate. I would not do that.

YOU are even LOVELIER than these.
NOTE
I hope you know just how incredibly LOVELY that makes you.

YOU are even LOVELIER than these.
NOTE
I hope you know just how incredibly LOVELY that makes you.

When I wear my Killer Heels men will GASP with passion, lust and longing, and girls will SIGH with envy and dispair.
For I shall be the total queen of HOTNESS and they shall be my humble faithful SLAVES.

DARE TO BE DIFFERENT...but not so DIFFERENT that you become a Menace to Society and they have to take you off to the HEAD HOSPITAL and conduct experiments on your BRAIN.

That would be just too DIFFRENT, OK?

A Fragment of a Dream
...and in my Chocolate Kingdom they brought me great MOUNTAINS of CHOCOLATE and thereof I did eat.
And it did not make me feel ILL or ASHAMED, neither did it put weight on my THIGHS.
For the Chocolate was health-giving and NOURISHING and the more I ate, the more BEAUTIFUL I became.

This picture of my dream shows how much you mean to me.
If you are not impressed by the biscuit thing please remember that it was only a dream

I WILL LOVE YOU...
Till the oceans run dry
Till the sea meets the sky
Till the fish learn to fly
Through a giant meat pie

You are a Chocolate Button of LOVELINESS on the great Caramel Pudding of LIFE.

You are like a wonderful LOVE CHOCOLATE - not one of those RUBBISH ones that nobody wants to eat but a REALLY NICE ONE that ALWAYS GOES FIRST!!

Have you SEEN my slippers?
Aren't they LOVELY?!
They are my slippers of POWER, my slippers of WONDER.
If there is a god, I bet he wears slippers JUST LIKE MINE!
Note: You should also see my dressing gown

So sweet and tender
Small and new
so full of puke
So full of poo

Interesting Theory
The snail is HAPPY in his home even though he has neither TV nor DISHWASHER.
The HUMAN will therefore be even more HAPPY than the SNAIL.
(END of INTERESTING THEORY)

It has jsu been SCIENTIFICALLY proven that red hair is the main NATURAL source of LOVE in the world.

So, redheads, you have an IMPORTANT job to do. Rise up! RISE UP and FREE the world with your BIG BIG love and your RED RED hair!!!

Rock Pig don't like disco
Rock Pig don't like dance
Rock Pig don't like ambient
Rock Pig don't like trance
Rock Pig don't like R&B
Rock Pig don't like soul
Rock Pig just likes heavy duty Bad-ass Rock 'N' Roll

Just as the Flower thanks the Sun for helping it GROW,
so I thank You for the WONDERFULNESS with which you have bestowed me.

Peace, Love, Happiness, Chocolate and other good things to you and all those around you.

In that still and settled place there is nobody but you.
You're where I breathe my oxygen.
You're where I see my view.
And when the world feels full of noise my heart knows what to do it finds that still and settled place and dances there with you.

"Buy me Lady" said the frock "and I will make you into a BEAUTIFUL and WHOLE and COMPLETE Human Being".
"Do not be SILLY" said the Man "for a frock alone cannot do that".
"True" said the Lady. "I will have the Shoes and the Bag as well".

A Prayer
Shine down upon us with your golden RADIANCE
Make us glow and sparkle like HAPPY children in the glorious dance of LIFE

And there shall come amongst them a CAT of such GREAT GLORY that all who see it will be SORE AMAZED and MARVEL at its SPLENDOUR

The Cow of Wisdom
Whenever you're uncertain and you don't know what to do the cow of wisdom always answers "Just chill out ... and MOO"

Your life will be LONG and HAPPY. Great WEALTH will be yours and LOVE will follow you ALWAYS.
Oh, hang on, it's YOU... sorry...
You will wonder NAKED through the woods with cider
...CIDER... as your only friend."

THE FRIENDS can connect in a mysterious way without even speaking.
Perhaps they have a AMAZING MAGICAL POWERS.
Perhaps they are both PERCULIAR IN THE HEAD.

The Garden of Your Heart
And in the secret garden of your heart grow 4 bright flowers - of kindness, wonder, happiness and love.

And, lo, there appeared before the lady a garment of such shimmering BRILLIANCE, such light, and delicate BEAUTY that it must have come from the very gods themselves.

"Is this a sign?" cried the lady. A holy Robe of Understanding in which to cloak my restless, YEARNING SOUL?"

"Um, no" a voice replied. "You're just someone who FANTASISES a lot about DRESSES."

Hello Iain, how are you?
Very well, thank you, Iain how are you?
We are GENTLE, we are KIND and we are LOVELY *
* but sometimes we want to tell everyone to just BUGGER OFF

Go sup from the goblet of the crazies
for therein lies the potion of eternal fun

The Great hand of Love
Do not be afraid for the great hand will guide you.
But whose is the hand
and where will it take me?
It is the hand of all humanity.
It is the good within us all.
It crosses all religions and beliefs.
It is the great hand of love.
Hold it and all will be well.

The HAIRS speak:
Let us ABANDON the head of this man and leave him with a Shiny Dome of Glory.
For people will RESPECT his newly WISE appearance as we migrate to other regions of his STRANGE and NAKED form.

Such was the POWER of the Handbag of Glory that ladies WEPT when they saw it and those who TOUCHED it when straight to heaven.

Let her dainty steps remind us that we can ALL achieve whatever we set our YEARNING HEARTS upon.

The Instrument of Wonder
Phone: Look at me, oh human person. Am I not the answer to your every waking dream?
Person: A marvel though you are, you cannot give me friendship, LOVE and passion. You cannot offer true contentment like a living breathing soul.
Phone: But does that soul have 93 functions and a megapixel camera such as mine?
Person: Alas its true, no human soul can match your glory, oh instrument of wonder, how I love you. I want you with such passion. Please be mine!

The Kitten of your Life
May your days be long and joyful, may your nights be sweet and full, and may your whole life be as happy as this kitten with it's wool.
OK, it may not be perfect, but its got a kitten in it, what more do you want?

CHOCOLATE: You want me Lady don't you? You want me! You want me!
LADY: No chocolate. I do not want you for after the initial pleasure there is SICKNESS and there is GUILT
CHOCOLATE: That Lady is the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE. Are you to deny me the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE?
LADY: No chocolate. I would not do that.

No longer does she fear the spider.
Instead she draws STRENGTH from the knowledge of her bravery in its presence.

The LAW of STRAIGHTNESS EVERYTHING must be STRAIGHT or else the world will EXPLODE*
*Those who do not believe in the Law of Straightness will not BE SAVED

"Have ANOTHER drink" he says, "for it will make you more ATTRACTIVE, funny, BEAUTIFUL and wise."
"No", I say. "For I am STRONG and SENSIBLE and drinking will not do those things you say."
"Alas," says he, "then I am surely DOOMED. For if you do not keep me WET, it is my date to DIE."
So drink I do...and drink and drink and DRINK.
For never would I have the HEART to let a Little Person DIE.

May the Lobster of lovliness always swim beside you through the ever flowing waters of your life

Nobody knew what it WAS or where it had COME From
but such was its POWER that it leaked and seeped from person to person until the WHOLE WORLD was infected by its BEAUTY

You are nearly as lovely as these.
NOTE: I hope you know just how incredibly lovely that makes you.

When I am in charge everyone who is LOVELY will get a BIG HAT
That will be THE LAW!!

Every night they visit you.

Every night they come. And bit by bit, they steal your brain and feed it to their MUM

I love you - pass it on

Things you Need to know
1. He is strangely attractive because of his enigmatic smile
2. He can kill you in any 1 of his 412 different ways

He is so happy.
May his JOYFUL SMILE remind us how much there is to be HAPPY about.

To be said a MAD voice.
"CAKE is your FRIEND.
I mean, I know you have OTHER friends - REAL friends, but hey, CAKE...mmm...CAKE!! CAKE!!!
And now calmer. Oh and Happy Birthday.
Eat Cake. But do not eat your friends.

Sometimes a woman wants to be treated with REVERENCE, UNDERSTANDING, INTELLIGENCE, SENSITIVITY and RESPECT.
But sometimes she just wants men to look at her and #DRIBBLE into their GRAVY.
NOTE Both of the above can be achieved with SHOES

You are WONDERFUL. Even the all-knowing Rabbit of Truth agrees.
If you don't believe me - just ask him.

Ccan everyone please just BE QUIET and listen to my AMAZING REVELATION!!
- THANK YOU
oh no, I forgot what I was going to say...
but just LISTEN to that BEAUTIFUL SILENCE

The Secret of True Love. Together, Master of all knowledge and student of life gaze at the giant sponge cake. Student: What is this overwhelming feeling of peace and harmony, oh master? From where does it come? Master: It comes, my child, not from the sponges themselves but from the space that lies between them. For what holds them together is not just the cream of desire...(dramatic pause)...but the glorious Jam of friendship as well.

He SMILES because he sees your future.
And oh, how HAPPY shall that future be!

SHOE: Look at me. Am I not wonderful?
LADY: You are the most wonderful show in the world. I fall to my knees and weep with pleasure when I am with you.
PAUSE LADY: You are BEAUTY. You are TRUTH.
In you I find my SALVATION
SHOE: Thank you. You are a nice lady.

"We come in PEACE. We mean you no HARM.
We simple want to STRAIGHTEN things out a little - like your cupboards
... and your clothes...and all that stuff you leave on the floor...
and those terrible piles of paper everywhere...
why do you do it?WHY?!" "um, I don't know really" "And your SOUL!!. We must STRENGHTEN YOU SOUL!!" "oh god now i'm SCARED." FLASH SILENCE

This is a picture of the Wonderful Girl.
She is beautiful and Strong and soft all at the same time.
Everyone who meets her LOVES her and she spreads HAPPINESS wherever she goes.
She is not even frightened of spiders.

The wonderful man was STRONG.
The Wonderful man was handsome.
The Wonderful Man took you in his arms and made you FEEL exactly how you always wanted to feel.
That is why they called him the Wonderful Man.

Theory About Friendship
in order for two people to be really good friends, each person has got to think that the other one is just a little more unhinged than they are.
So um, that makes us very close as far as I am concerned. How about you?

The SUN is WARM
The WORLD is a BEAUTIFUL PLACE
Dave owes me five quid

VALENTINE
I love you so much that every night I shout out your name to the distant stars
(until the nice men come to take me away again)

VALENTINE When people Fall in LOVE, they give each other really EMBARRASSING Pet Names.
The more they LOVE each other, the more EMBARRASSING the names. That must i LOVE you a whole lot________________________*
* Insert pet name here, or why not make up a really awful new one?

VALENTINE
I love your beautiful soul*
* The body it's in is really quite nice too

VALENTINE
Nothing is big enough to hold my love for you. Not even the holy teacup of the giant space monkey.

VALENTINE
Somebody thinks
I'm Gorgeous
Cut this out and stick it on your head - the everyone will know what I think of you*
* but please don't blame me if you get some funny looks. People can be weird, you know. . Not even the holy teacup of the giant space monkey.

VALENTINE
We are like two flowers swaying together in the gentle breeze of love
Note - Except flowers can't **** - or hog the duvet afterwards

VALENTINE
You are wonderful. Even the all-knowing rabbit of truth agrees. If you don't believe me - just ask him.

VALENTINE
I may not say it often enough, but right here, now, as you open this card...
I love you -
You're Amazing

We must TAKE our TABLETS or else we will GO MAD
This one helps me not to scare the postman
This one is so BEAUTIFUL it PAINS me to DESTROY it
This one is EVIL and must DIE
I love this one so much it HURTS. One day it will understand my SPECIAL POWERS and love me too
Sometimes I hear this one singing in voices so HAUNTING and LYRICAL that a single note can make me WEEP
'please don't eat me!''Be quiet tablet and suffer your FATE!'

When I am grown-up I will understand how BEAUTIFUL it feels to administrate my life effectively. Until then I will continue to TORCH all correspondence that bores me and to DANCE NAKED over the remnants of its glowing embers.

Marvellous marvellous
Lovely lovely lovely
Wonderful wonderful wonderful YOU!
(dressed as a banana)

YOU ARE LOVELY May flowers of happiness endlessly grow in the sweet enchanted garden of your heart.

Dear Person, You are Mad. But I mnean that ina nice way. i.e. You are a nice mad, not SCARY mad. SCARY mad would not be so good. Oh god, please don't go SCARY mad.

You Are Wonderful
Hoorah have a biscuit! Don't worry I know you're not a dog so it's not a dog biscuit, it's a human biscuit*
*But it's not made of humans

May the Chicken of Happiness and the Sausage of Prosperity FOLLOW you wherever you go May the Chicken of Happiness and the Sausage of Prosperity FOLLOW you wherever you go

I'm writing a SONG about you for your BIRTHDAY and it goes something like this:

crazy but wonderful
that's what you are
crazy but wonderful
Like a chicken in a bra...

It's not quite FINISHED yet, but what do you think so far?

Everyone has an inner pasta that defines their very being. EMBRACE your inner pasta and you will always be HAPPY.

They say that with a present it's the thought that counts. So this year I am going to think for you a brand new diamond necklace.

Generous Thought - If it works, I promise to get you matching earings next year as well!!

He knows not where he is going for the ocean will decide - it's not the DESTINATION... it's the glory of the ride.

Dear Dad, I know that "dads" can get a bit anxious about DIRECT EMOTIONAL CONTACT and "SENTIMENTAL" messages so i'll just say "Dad, um...quite NICE...ahem, yes. Here's a card for you...or something.
Happy whatever. OK. Bye".