A Special Announcement
Due to the recent global turmoil, it has now been decided that the world will be governed solely by the principles of loveliness.
Congratulations! That definitely puts you in the cabinet (see your new office door above).

A Treat for Someone Special
With monkeys, the very best treat you can give someone is a damned good backscratch. A mind-blowing, spine-tingling, ooh just there...yes, YES! Kind of backscratch.
So let's pretend we're monkeys!
Here are my fingers...here are my FINGERS!! "scratch sratch scratch"

You Are Wonderful
Hoorah have a biscuit! Don't worry I know you're not a dog so it's not a dog biscuit, it's a human biscuit*
*But it's not made of humans

Theory About Friendship
in order for two people to be really good friends, each person has got to think that the other one is just a little more unhinged than they are.
So um, that makes us very close as far as I am concerned. How about you?

The Garden of Your Heart
And in the secret garden of your heart grow 4 bright flowers - of kindness, wonder, happiness and love.

Follow Your Heart
For your heart will always know the answer. But if it tells you to strangle kittens or something then don't follow it anymore. I mean, it's only a heart right? It's not the Dalai Lama.

The Cow of Wisdom
Whenever you're uncertain and you don't know what to do the cow of wisdom always answers "Just chill out ... and MOO"

The Instrument of Wonder
Phone: Look at me, oh human person. Am I not the answer to your every waking dream?
Person: A marvel though you are, you cannot give me friendship, LOVE and passion. You cannot offer true contentment like a living breathing soul.
Phone: But does that soul have 93 functions and a megapixel camera such as mine?
Person: Alas its true, no human soul can match your glory, oh instrument of wonder, how I love you. I want you with such passion. Please be mine!

The Kitten of your Life
May your days be long and joyful, may your nights be sweet and full, and may your whole life be as happy as this kitten with it's wool.
OK, it may not be perfect, but its got a kitten in it, what more do you want?

A Christmas Wish
May each twinkling light be a HOPE of yours for the FUTURE. And for each one that blows may there be a BRIGHTER and more BEAUTIFUL bulb in the glorious trouser pocket of FORTUNE.

NAMES of my BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

Sausage of Peace
May the SAUSAGE of PEACE forever be dipped in the KETCHUP of HAPPINESS

The Beautiful Christmas Angel
Such is the RADIANCE of her BEAUTY that she hides behind the giant potato for fear of dazzling the mortals

The Christmas Cake of Life
May you always find the ICING on the Christmas Cake of LIFE

The Happy Snowman
May the HAPPINESS of the Happy Snowman never melt in the WARM and LOVELY garden of your HEART.

The Wonderful Christmas Undies.
So powerful was their spell that ladies SIGHED with PLEASURE at their beauty and grown men fell to their knees and WEPT.

A Christmas Wish
May each twinkling light be a HOPE of yours for the FUTURE. And for each one that blows may there be a BRIGHTER and more BEAUTIFUL bulb in the glorious trouser pocket of FORTUNE.

Christmas Happiness
Directions For Use - Apply liberally to face and body for everlasting JOY.

Iain the Brussels Sprout
His TASTE may be BITTER but his NOURISHMENT is SWEET.
Lesson to Learn
As with Iain - so with LIFE.

CONGRATULATIONS
You may now wear the GIANT HAT of CLEVERNESS!

..but not so different that you become a menace to society and they have to take you off to the head hospital and conduct experiments on your brain.
That would just be too different, OK?

ARE YOU NORMAL?
NO!

GET WELL SOON
Just as the vase misses the BEAUTY of the flower, so the World misses the WONDERFULNESS of your full and healthy presence.

FEEL the Healing HAPPY VIBES from the hands of the Heavenly Hippy.

Arm in are they stand on the SAUSAGE of LOVE looking out together at the KETCHUP of their DREAMS

May each year be a feather on the glorious Chicken of life as it soars UNTAMED and BEAUTIFUL towards the golden sun

May the warm SUN of FORTUNE shine its glorious rays upon your marvellous HEAD

When the world seems DARK and full of SORROW, when my feet are DRAGGING on the ground, I simply look at all my GORGEOUS HANDBAGS and suddenly, TRUE HAPPINESS is found!

I don't want to be a HAIR
I want to be a DRAGON!
SHUT UP!!!
OK I'll be a hair

The BISCUIT will only dare to be a BISCUIT when it is with his true friend the POTATO.

Dad, if they named ice cream flavours after what people are like, yours would probably be called the "stop worrying about stuff and just accept that you're brilliant - brilliant at being a Dad"
But they don't so, um, I'm not really sure where this is going...um...
Happy Father's Day anyway, brilliant Dad.

Dear Dad, I know that "dads" can get a bit anxious about DIRECT EMOTIONAL CONTACT and "SENTIMENTAL" messages so i'll just say "Dad, um...quite NICE...ahem, yes. Here's a card for you...or something.
Happy whatever. OK. Bye".

THE WONDERFUL DAD was strong. The Wonderful dad was handsome. The Wonderful Dad took you in his arms and made you FEEL exactly how you always wanted to feel.
That is why they called him the Wonderful Dad.

Mum, imagine a day when you can relax, kick back, dream, do nothing.
I say imagine because we both know it's not going to happen, but Happy Mother's Day anyway.
You're wonderful.

Wee are only on this Earth for a Short Time, so let us live WISELY, let us live WELL... and let us eat CHOCOLATE. MUCH MUCH CHOCOLATE!!

In PRAISE of UNDERPANTS Behold the humble underpants - most MODEST of creations.
But, oh, what mighty POWERS and SECRETS they conceal!!

Let us be lovely. And let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damnit how HAPPY we'll be!

Start.

LITTLE BAGS OF MAGIC
The little bags of magic say there is nothing that they cannot do.

Except for that one about being EATEN by as giant SPIDER

He stands for LOVE He stands for HAPPINESS
He stands for TRUTH
He stands for BEAUTY
Let us, like LOVE MONKEY, stand for what we HOLD most DEAR

DARE TO BE DIFFERENT...but not so DIFFERENT that you become a Menace to Society and they have to take you off to the HEAD HOSPITAL and conduct experiments on your BRAIN.

That would be just too DIFFRENT, OK?

A Fragment of a Dream
...and in my Chocolate Kingdom they brought me great MOUNTAINS of CHOCOLATE and thereof I did eat.
And it did not make me feel ILL or ASHAMED, neither did it put weight on my THIGHS.
For the Chocolate was health-giving and NOURISHING and the more I ate, the more BEAUTIFUL I became.

RESPECT to you, Dad - HEAD of the Table, KING of the Toilet and LORD HIGH COMMANDER of the Remote Control.
NOTE
I hope you know just how incredibly LOVELY that makes you.

This picture of my dream shows how much you mean to me.
If you are not impressed by the biscuit thing please remember that it was only a dream

I WILL LOVE YOU...
Till the oceans run dry
Till the sea meets the sky
Till the fish learn to fly
Through a giant meat pie

When I wear my Killer Heels men will GASP with passion, lust and longing, and girls will SIGH with envy and dispair.
For I shall be the total queen of HOTNESS and they shall be my humble faithful SLAVES.

CHOCOLATE: You want me mum don't you?
You want me! You want me!
MUM: No chocolate. I do not want you for after the initial pleasure there is SICKNESS and there is GUILT
CHOCOLATE: That mum is the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE.
Are you to deny me the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE?
MUM: No chocolate. I would not do that.

YOU are even LOVELIER than these.
NOTE
I hope you know just how incredibly LOVELY that makes you.

You are a Chocolate Button of LOVELINESS on the great Caramel Pudding of LIFE.

You are like a wonderful LOVE CHOCOLATE - not one of those RUBBISH ones that nobody wants to eat but a REALLY NICE ONE that ALWAYS GOES FIRST!!

Have you SEEN my slippers?
Aren't they LOVELY?!
They are my slippers of POWER, my slippers of WONDER.
If there is a god, I bet he wears slippers JUST LIKE MINE!
Note: You should also see my dressing gown

NEW BABY
And the glory of the baby made them drunk with LOVE and HAPPINESS for seldom had they felt before such Joy

Interesting Theory
The snail is HAPPY in his home even though he has neither TV nor DISHWASHER.
The HUMAN will therefore be even more HAPPY than the SNAIL.
(END of INTERESTING THEORY)

INTERESTING THEORY
The snail is happy in his home even though he has neither TV nor dishwasher.
The human will therefore be even more happy than the snail.
(End of interesting theory)

It has jsu been SCIENTIFICALLY proven that red hair is the main NATURAL source of LOVE in the world.

So, redheads, you have an IMPORTANT job to do. Rise up! RISE UP and FREE the world with your BIG BIG love and your RED RED hair!!!

Rock Pig don't like disco
Rock Pig don't like dance
Rock Pig don't like ambient
Rock Pig don't like trance
Rock Pig don't like R&B
Rock Pig don't like soul
Rock Pig just likes heavy duty Bad-ass Rock 'N' Roll

Just as the Flower thanks the Sun for helping it GROW,
so I thank You for the WONDERFULNESS with which you have bestowed me.

Peace, Love, Happiness, Chocolate and other good things to you and all those around you.

In that still and settled place there is nobody but you.
You're where I breathe my oxygen.
You're where I see my view.
And when the world feels full of noise my heart knows what to do it finds that still and settled place and dances there with you.

"Buy me Lady" said the frock "and I will make you into a BEAUTIFUL and WHOLE and COMPLETE Human Being".
"Do not be SILLY" said the Man "for a frock alone cannot do that".
"True" said the Lady. "I will have the Shoes and the Bag as well".

A Prayer
Shine down upon us with your golden RADIANCE
Make us glow and sparkle like HAPPY children in the glorious dance of LIFE

And there shall come amongst them a CAT of such GREAT GLORY that all who see it will be SORE AMAZED and MARVEL at its SPLENDOUR

So close are they that they will do ANYTHING for one another.
Well, anything except for THAT.

Your life will be LONG and HAPPY. Great WEALTH will be yours and LOVE will follow you ALWAYS.
Oh, hang on, it's YOU... sorry...
You will wonder NAKED through the woods with cider
...CIDER... as your only friend."

THE FRIENDS can connect in a mysterious way without even speaking.
Perhaps they have a AMAZING MAGICAL POWERS.
Perhaps they are both PERCULIAR IN THE HEAD.

"Anything is Possible", she believed, so she grew WINGS and flew like an ANGEL to the STARS.*
*She didn't know that the back of her dress was tucked into he knickers, though, but,hey, you can't have it ALL!

And, lo, there appeared before the lady a garment of such shimmering BRILLIANCE, such light, and delicate BEAUTY that it must have come from the very gods themselves.

"Is this a sign?" cried the lady. A holy Robe of Understanding in which to cloak my restless, YEARNING SOUL?"

"Um, no" a voice replied. "You're just someone who FANTASISES a lot about DRESSES."

Hello Iain, how are you?
Very well, thank you, Iain how are you?
We are GENTLE, we are KIND and we are LOVELY *
* but sometimes we want to tell everyone to just BUGGER OFF

Go sup from the goblet of the crazies
for therein lies the potion of eternal fun

The Great hand of Love
Do not be afraid for the great hand will guide you.
But whose is the hand
and where will it take me?
It is the hand of all humanity.
It is the good within us all.
It crosses all religions and beliefs.
It is the great hand of love.
Hold it and all will be well.

The HAIRS speak:
Let us ABANDON the head of this man and leave him with a Shiny Dome of Glory.
For people will RESPECT his newly WISE appearance as we migrate to other regions of his STRANGE and NAKED form.

Such was the POWER of the Handbag of Glory that ladies WEPT when they saw it and those who TOUCHED it when straight to heaven.

Let her dainty steps remind us that we can ALL achieve whatever we set our YEARNING HEARTS upon.

BREAKFAST My marmalade's called Nigel And my toast is called Elaine
I bet my butter wishes it had a proper name.

The FIERCE DINOSAUR was TRAPPED inside his cage of ice until the LOVELY OTHER DINOSAUR came and melted it with KIND thoughts and LOVING words.
Now they STAND TOGETHER on the hill, telling each other stories and feeling the WARMTH of the sun on their backs.
THE END

CHOCOLATE: You want me Lady don't you? You want me! You want me!
LADY: No chocolate. I do not want you for after the initial pleasure there is SICKNESS and there is GUILT
CHOCOLATE: That Lady is the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE. Are you to deny me the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE?
LADY: No chocolate. I would not do that.