Card Brand: Scrawl More Web - All Scrawl Cards

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson

"Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your children".
Sam Levenson

"You shouldn't drink coffee at work. It keeps you awake in the afternoons."
Ronald Reagan

"I hate housework.
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to do it all over again".
Joan Rivers

"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire".
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor".
Joan Rivers

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day".
George Carlin

"You should live every day like it's your last day because one day you're gonna be right".
Ray Charles

"I don't worry about getting older. I intend to live forever. So far so good."
Steven Wright

"The older you get the better you get unless you are a banana".
Urban Graphic

"Be kind to everybody. You might never know who might show up on the jury at your trial".
Urban Graphic

"I know a girl that's a compulsive shopper.
She'll buy anything that's marked down. One day she's gonna come home with an escalator."
Henry Youngman

"You hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called everybody and they meet at the bar".
Mark Birt

"Some people say, 'The glass is half empty.'
Some people say 'the glass is half full.'
I say 'It's not my round.'"
Urban Graphic

"Birthdays are good for you.
Statistics prove that the people who have the most live the longest".
Larry Lorenzoni

"To me, the great outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxi-cab."
Fran Leibowitz

"Birthdays are natures way of telling you to eat more cake".
Jo Brand

"I'm a member of a new group called alcoholics unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink you ring another member and they come over to persuade you".
Richard Harris

"How to please a woman?
Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the football for her, buy her jewellery, be interested in what she has to say...
How to please a man?
Show up naked, bring beer".
Urban Graphic

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you are older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman; stuff you pay good money for in later life".
Emo Phillips

"Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world."
Bette Midler

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance of being first".
Edgar Bergen

"You will love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".
Rita Rudner

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out of a window".
Steve Wozniak

"A thoughtful child is one who leaves enough petrol in the car for you to get to the garage"
Rosemary Baldock

"You know the point your children have grown up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going".
Urban Graphic

"A mother is she who can take the place of others but whose place no-one else can take".
Cardinal Mermillod

"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble".
Martin Mull

"If a man smiles in his own house someone is sure to ask him for money".
William Feather

"The whole rock and roll thing is over-rated.
Take away the drugs, drink, adoration, fame and money and what's left?".
Chrissie Hynde

"There are three ways to get things done; do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it".
Mona Crane

"There is only one thing wrong with the younger generation.
A lot of us don't belong to it anymore"
Bernard Baruch

"I like life it's something to do".
Ronnie Shakes

"Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money".
Sara Lloyd

"The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office".
Robert Frost

Men like to barbecue. They like to cook but only if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner
Grab while you can as card now out of print!

As I get older I'm trying to eat more healthy food, so I've bought Gordon Ramsey's new cookbook, "Take Two Eggs and F**koff".
Jack Dee

"I's offcially getting old so I don't need drugs anymore. I can get the same effect by standing up really fast".
Jonathan Katz

It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise you may miss your mouth.
Matt Diamond

“A father’s solemn duty is to watch football with his children and teach them when to shout at the ref”.
Paul Collins

"It's amazing how quickly kids learn to drive the car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher or vacuum cleaner".
Ben Bergor

“A Mother knows all about her children. She knows about romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A father is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house”
Urban Graphic

“The best way to keep your children out of hot water is to put some dishes in it”.
Urban Graphic

“You can learn many things from your children.
How much patience you have for instance”.
Franklin P Jones

“Real men don’t use instructions. They are only the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put the thing together”
Tim Taylor

“When things get really tough the final, most potent words of wisdom a father can have:
'Ask your mother’”.
Frank Lancaster

“They say that being a mum does get it easier; it’s the first forty years that are the hardest”.
Cheryl Maughan

“All good champagne should be delicately flavoured, exquisitely chilled
and completely free”.
Anna Maughan

“Life doesn’t come with an instruction book. That’s why we have fathers”.
John Maughan

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It is only necessary to be rich”
Alan Alda

“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy".
Benjamin Franklin

“If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales”?
Urban Graphic

“As I get older my opinions may change but not the fact that I am right”.
Urban Graphic

“I tell you we are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different”.
Kurt Vonnegut

"On page one of my memory there is the chapter 'When I first met you'. It begins with the words 'Here begins a new life'."
Dante Alighieri (From 'La Vita Nuova' 1293)
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"I may be getting on a bit, but I can still rock like a son of a bitch."
Ozzy Osbourne

"I don't know anything about computers. I don't even know how often to change the oil."
George Burns

"When you participate in sporting events it's not all about winning or losing. It's how drunk you get after that counts."
Urban Graphic

"If you can afford it, then there is no pleasure in buying it."
Wallis Simpson

"If it wasn't for ventian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us."
Eric Morecambe

"I can lie convincingly about my age, I can't always remember what it is."
Violet Conti

"Love is two minutes and fifty two seconds of squelching noises."
Johnny Rotten

"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have syphillis, in which case penicillin's a better bet."
Bob Monkhouse

"Wine really does improve with age. The older I get the more I like it."
Urban Graphic

"I took up a collection for a man in our office but I didn't get enough to buy one."
Ruth Buzzi

"If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on time - you're the grandparent."
Theresa Bloomingdale

"You should always go for younger men. You may as well. They never mature anyway."
Theresa Bloomingdale

"All I ever wanted was an honest weeks pay for an honest days work."
Phil Silvers

"I'm at that certain age. Too old for ecstacy. Too young for the bowling green."
Rab C Nesbitt

"There are no good girls gone wrong. There are only bad girls found out."
Mae West

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world except take exercise ot get up early or be responsible."
Oscar Wilde

"God invented vegetables to let fathers get even with their children."
PJ O'Rourke

"they say that you'll lose your mind as you get older. what they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much."
Malcolm Cowley

"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine. Except on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
Lee Entreken

"Tell the man there are 500 million stars in the universe and he will believe you.

Tell him a fence has just been painted and he has to touch it first."
Urban Graphic

"Life is short.

Eat dessert first."
Jacques Torres

"This is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart I carry it in my heart."
E E Cummings

"Successful women can still have their feet on the ground.

They just wear better shoes."
Maud Van De Venne

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
Elmo Gethin

"I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
William Butler Yeats