Card Brand: Scrawl More Web - General Occasion Scrawl Cards

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson

"Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your children".
Sam Levenson

"You shouldn't drink coffee at work. It keeps you awake in the afternoons."
Ronald Reagan

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor".
Joan Rivers

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day".
George Carlin

"You should live every day like it's your last day because one day you're gonna be right".
Ray Charles

"I don't worry about getting older. I intend to live forever. So far so good."
Steven Wright

"I know a girl that's a compulsive shopper.
She'll buy anything that's marked down. One day she's gonna come home with an escalator."
Henry Youngman

"You hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called everybody and they meet at the bar".
Mark Birt

"Some people say, 'The glass is half empty.'
Some people say 'the glass is half full.'
I say 'It's not my round.'"
Urban Graphic

"To me, the great outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxi-cab."
Fran Leibowitz

"I'm a member of a new group called alcoholics unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink you ring another member and they come over to persuade you".
Richard Harris

"How to please a woman?
Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the football for her, buy her jewellery, be interested in what she has to say...
How to please a man?
Show up naked, bring beer".
Urban Graphic

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance of being first".
Edgar Bergen

"You will love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".
Rita Rudner

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out of a window".
Steve Wozniak

"You know the point your children have grown up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going".
Urban Graphic

"A mother is she who can take the place of others but whose place no-one else can take".
Cardinal Mermillod

"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble".
Martin Mull

"If a man smiles in his own house someone is sure to ask him for money".
William Feather

"The whole rock and roll thing is over-rated.
Take away the drugs, drink, adoration, fame and money and what's left?".
Chrissie Hynde

"There are three ways to get things done; do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it".
Mona Crane

"The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office".
Robert Frost

Computer Games don't effect kids. If pac-man had effected us as kids, we'd all be runnigng around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetative electronic music.
Gareth Owen

It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise you may miss your mouth.
Matt Diamond

“A father’s solemn duty is to watch football with his children and teach them when to shout at the ref”.
Paul Collins

“A Mother knows all about her children. She knows about romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A father is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house”
Urban Graphic

“The best way to keep your children out of hot water is to put some dishes in it”.
Urban Graphic

“Real men don’t use instructions. They are only the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put the thing together”
Tim Taylor

“When things get really tough the final, most potent words of wisdom a father can have:
'Ask your mother’”.
Frank Lancaster

“They say that being a mum does get it easier; it’s the first forty years that are the hardest”.
Cheryl Maughan

“All good champagne should be delicately flavoured, exquisitely chilled
and completely free”.
Anna Maughan

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It is only necessary to be rich”
Alan Alda

“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy".
Benjamin Franklin

“If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales”?
Urban Graphic

“I tell you we are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different”.
Kurt Vonnegut

"I may be getting on a bit, but I can still rock like a son of a bitch."
Ozzy Osbourne

"I don't know anything about computers. I don't even know how often to change the oil."
George Burns

"When you participate in sporting events it's not all about winning or losing. It's how drunk you get after that counts."
Urban Graphic

"If you can afford it, then there is no pleasure in buying it."
Wallis Simpson

"If it wasn't for ventian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us."
Eric Morecambe

"I can lie convincingly about my age, I can't always remember what it is."
Violet Conti

"Love is two minutes and fifty two seconds of squelching noises."
Johnny Rotten

"Wine really does improve with age. The older I get the more I like it."
Urban Graphic

"I took up a collection for a man in our office but I didn't get enough to buy one."
Ruth Buzzi

"If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on time - you're the grandparent."
Theresa Bloomingdale

"All I ever wanted was an honest weeks pay for an honest days work."
Phil Silvers

"I'm at that certain age. Too old for ecstacy. Too young for the bowling green."
Rab C Nesbitt

"There are no good girls gone wrong. There are only bad girls found out."
Mae West

"they say that you'll lose your mind as you get older. what they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much."
Malcolm Cowley

"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine. Except on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
Lee Entreken

"Tell the man there are 500 million stars in the universe and he will believe you.

Tell him a fence has just been painted and he has to touch it first."
Urban Graphic

"Life is short.

Eat dessert first."
Jacques Torres

"This is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart I carry it in my heart."
E E Cummings

"Successful women can still have their feet on the ground.

They just wear better shoes."
Maud Van De Venne

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
Elmo Gethin

"No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early."
Bob Hope

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and bad memory."
Albert Schweitzer

"Why do dogs always run to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them."
Harry Hill

"I like to think of myself as an optimistic realist. I know the glass is half full. I just want to know who's been drinking from it and if I still have to pay full price?"
Robert Tetreault

"I don't feel old. In fact, I generally don't feel anything 'till noon. Then It's time for my nap."
Bob Hope

"Most women are attracted to the simple things in life - like men."
Hennie Youngman

"I do get brood occasionally. Like when I am watching TV and I can't reach the remote I think, 'a kid would be good right now.'"
Kathleen Madigan

"Give a Man a Fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend."
Zenna Schaffer

"I've never disliked a man enough to give him his diamonds back."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"The best way for a father to give his advice to his children is to find out what they want to do and then advise them to do it."
Harry S Truman

"Never raise your hand to your children. It leaves your groin unprotected."
Red Buttons

"A mother should be neither cocky nor proud because she knows that the school may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium."
Gloria Kaufman

"Fathers are always asking kids 'what they want to be when they grow up' because they are still looking for ideas.
Jack Benny

"Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a father ages as much as 20 years."
Al Bernstein

"To me, the kids are the reason for everything. The reason everything is either messy, broken or dirty."
Urban Graphic

"Like I say, a little grey hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom.
Kathy Shashkin

"I don't do drugs anymore. I don't do them any less either.
Bill Hicks

"Inspite of the cost of living , it still remains popular."
Kathleen Norris

"Intuition is the strange instinct that tells a woman that she is right whether she is or not."
Oscar Wilde

"I'd take shopping over sex any day. Anything that seems a bit small of disappointing when you get it home can easily be exchanged for something more satisfying."
Alison Hill

"My team lives football, dreams football, it eats football. Now if it could only play football."
Urban Graphic

"A man is as old as he feels. A woman is as old as she feels like admitting."
American Proverb

"We should have a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled."
Gene Fowler

"Health is what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down."
Phyllis Diller

"Ask a woman how she feels and she'll open her heart and tell you her fears, hopes and dreams. Ask a man what he feels and he'll tell you he feels like a pizza."
Diana Ford

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